fuckin cruel

let me apologize first... i dont normally use curse words in my blog but recent events warrants some....

Sometimes life really is cruel…
life is truly unfair..
or is god cruel??
or am i just a bad blaspheming catholic...?

Thewife is no longer pregnant. :-(
She had an “empty pregnancy” basically the embryo didn’t form. :-(

thewife was spotting blood the last 2 weeks since our 1week holiday and last tuesday, it got heavier. she went to the hospital anf her regular gynae is at a conference so she had to go with the next available one at the hospital.
i should've followed her to the hospital.. i was in a lot of afternoon meetings.. i truly regret.
the doc's ultra sound showed a "round shaped" embryo-egg which is not nornal for 9weeks.
yea, 9 weeks..... :-(
i remember theson sorta looked like a kidney bean at 9weeks.. basically the egg never developed and she was not pregnant. she broke the news to me over the phone sitting in the hospital carpark, in tears.. i was alone in a conference room taking her call.
she said, " its not fair, why her? why would god do this?"
how do i feel? ever been punched in the stomach before? worse than that...
couldnt breathe.... fuck...!!!!!

sigh... we were so happy.... damm.....!!!
well thats life, isnt it??

the doc advised to do in the next day to remove the egg and clean the uterus.
i took leave and follwed her in on thursday. the replacement gynae is pretty good at putting people at ease. like him.
we were there at 830am and thewife has to be prepped for minor surgery with anasthesia, which was at 12pm. it was a daycare surgery and no need to be admitted.
i found a corner spot in the waiting room and sat there reading my clancy from 930am till 12pm. went in the prep room twice to talk to thewife. she seems ok. i was actually quite afraid and i'm sure she was too.
surgery was close to 20mins and she was out by 1pm.
all that time i was actually sitting there and praying while multiple worse case scenatio ran thru my sick mind. close to tears... :-(
i am not ready to lose thewife.
the surgery was a success and i talked to her a bit after she woke up. the doc said all ok and no need to worry.
sat my butt down on the chair for another 2.5 hours to wait while she recovered.

only got to see her again at 345pm. by this time she was fully awake and had her meal already, beverage and 2slices of bread.
i actually did not eat or drink yet since we woke up at 700am today. i didnt want to leave the waiting room in case the nurse called me or if thewife wanted to see me. did not want to take the chance. she's worth the wait. every minute of it.
we were out of the hospital by 530pm and headed to pick theson up.

we talked about the whole thing and why it had happened.
"who knows" i said. maybe god has his reasons...
we will try again..

she said that she's not that sad anymore but i dont really believe her..
you know why? coz i'm still sad as hell... :-)

today, i packed up her maternity clothes and going to put them back in storage. :-(
hoping to take them out again soon...